GRATITUDE

Say it in Writing

A short while ago a former colleague came by for dinner and very quickly after that a handwritten note arrived - even though it came by snail mail. It was in an envelope which had on it a stamp and, did I say, it was handwritten. Enumerated within, at some length, were expressions of gratitude for the drinks consumed, the food eaten and the hospitality received. They contained no emojis and there were no sentences such as this: “Thx 4 a gr8 din. Xxx.” Even though he is of Irish ancestry it is obvious he comes from good breeding since he had produced, what used to be known as a “thank you note”. 

     I had been thinking about thank you notes because I rarely produce one and was feeling bad about that. Particularly bad since a couple of relatives still promptly produce them. I was also thinking about them because I rarely receive any and often don’t know, for example, if gifts shipped were ever received. Still, I am not sure the subject of thank you notes would be taking up my valuable time and yours, as well as this valuable space, were it not for the fact that an article just appeared in the New York Times, bearing this headline: “You Should Actually Send That Thank You Note You’ve Been Meaning to Write.”

     In short, as that headline says, we should write thank you notes and not simply send tweets or messages. We will feel good when we do so and the people who receive them will greatly appreciate our expressions of gratitude. If you are not convinced by me or the Time’s article you should know that it is based upon a study done by a couple of psychologists and  is not more fake news. The study: “Undervaluing Gratitude: Expressers Misunderstand the Consequences of Showing Appreciation,”Psychological Science, June 2018.

Cursive and the "Collins"

   While putting down the material above I was reminded of the “Collins”. That is another name for, what is also known as a “bread and butter letter” and it is based upon a character in Pride and Prejudice. I became aware of the “Collins” because such letters and the agony involved in penning them were the subject of an essay in The Times and I discovered it when writing about “Fourth Leaders”. 

     The title of this particular “Fourth Leader” is “The Abhorred “Collins””, and it can be found in The Times on Feb. 23, 1914. The author writes about the difficulty of coming up with a “Collins” upon return from a visit to a country estate.  Think of the type of letter one might write to the Crawley family at Downton Abbey. In composing a “Collins” one has to worry about such things as being too effusive, or perhaps not appearing to have enjoyed enough the Beef Wellington. The strain of writing a perfect “Collins” was the reason for the use of the word “Abhorred” in the title and it was almost enough to make one refuse an invitation.

    Not everyone agreed with the author and The Times  published this letter of objection two days later. Here it is; a case made for the writing of thank you notes from over 100 years ago:

Sir: May I sound another, and differing, note on this subject? Are we not all growing less and less inclined to show gratitude for our friends’ hospitality and sympathy?

   Surely it is a very little thing to write a note of courteous thanks for entertainment, and yet this would seem to many people too great a trouble. One has only to recall the scrupulous courtesy of Mr. Gladstone to be reminded of another and better fashion than that which obtains today. The smallest service performed by another on our behalf ought to be acknowledged. But unfortunately it is the exception rather than the rule for this to be done. Boys and girls, young people, and older folks ought to find it no hardship, but a pleasure, to express gratitude either for the hospitality, or gifts, or service.  The detestable habit after the decease of a relative or friend of inserting four of five lines of thanks for sympathetic letters is only another instance of the growing sloth of people. As some one said the other day, it would take only a few hours to write briefly to each friend who has shown sympathy. The same criticism applies to the printed card with its chilly formula, applicable equally to the merest stranger as to the most intimate friend.

    We all pretend to be “too busy” for these old fashioned courtesies, but in reality it is just a matter, I believe, of thoughtlessness and lack of gratitude. “Think” and “thank” are allied terms. Let us revert to the days of sincere gratitude and express it when we have received hospitality.” Yours truly, David Williamson, The Times, Feb. 25, 1914.

    We should all write thank you notes with pen and paper. Given that I rarely do what I say I am going to do, I plan to buy the instrument pictured above. It is a MontBlanc Meisterstuck and it costs more than some computers ($825 US).  Such an investment should serve to motivate me, even if it won’t improve my penmanship. My birthday is in August, so I better start practicing soon. 

Sources:

"You Should Actually Send That Thank You Note You’ve Been Meaning to Write," Heather Murphy, New York Times, July 20, 2018.

For my earlier post on "Fourth Leaders" see here.